Episode 36: Our Little Secret! or Cold Turkey!

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Today I did a short podcast about our great Thanksgiving Day dinner and then I finished it off with a few corny jokes about Thanksgiving. And I will try to tell y'all our story and put-it-on-a- bumper sticker for you. So here we go.

Recently our dear friends and neighbors over at the Texas Hill Country Resort, which is now under new ownership and management, had invited us to join them for their 1st Annual Thanksgiving Dinner. So, I decided to bring  my Cousin Nancy's Grape Salad that is so delicious and easy to make.

Well, to be honest with y'all, this grape salad recipe was actually Sandy's recipe that I stole from her and made it mine. Anyway, it's no big deal, because I steal all of my friends and family's recipes and they all know it. Anyway, here is this simple mouth-watering recipe that everyone loves.

A few days ago, Tony and I went to the little H.E.B. in Kerrville, so I could pick up the ingredients, to make this delicious grape salad.  

So yesterday morning I gathered the ingredients for Cousin Nancy's Grape Salad and it only took me about 20 minutes! 

Anyway, before I poured this creamy mixture into a small container for us to eat later at home, and then I poured the rest of the salad into a disposable, squared-foil-pan. Then I tasted it and it was OK. 

But it just wasn't as delicious as it should be, so I figured I should have bought red, seedless grapes too instead of only using green grapes this time. (And please note: I would have purchased some red grapes too, but they were just too darn expensive.)

When Tony and I arrived at the Texas Hill Country Resort, Karen their super-friendly new manager greeted us outside, before we walked into the Rec Hall to join the party.

Omg! When Tony and I walked inside the building there had to be about 60 or more friendly faces, and rows and rows and rows of chairs and tables set with plates, and there was so much food prepared, there was only one spot left for me to squeeze-in my green-grape's-only salad.

To say the least, all of the food was totally delicious and there was so much of it almost everyone went back for seconds. Seriously, it was one awesome Thanksgiving Dinner feast.

Tone and I enjoyed eating with our friends Ricky and her husband Royce, and we also enjoyed visiting with Becky & John and many other friends.

We had so much fun after our fabulous dinner visiting with friends we were almost the last ones to leave the building. And after saying our goodbyes, as we were leaving to go home, Tony asked me if I wanted to take our salad home, but I didn't want to, because it just didn't taste right.

Later that night while we were watching the Cowboys defeat New York I went to the kitchen to get another glass of my cheap, boxed, Franzia Chillable Red Wine and I glanced over at the counter and I saw this!

I laughed out loud, and then I said, "Tony! Look at what I forgot to put into the salad today. No wonder it didn't taste right." And he and I began to laugh. Then I said, "And you and I are not going to tell anyone about this. Okay? It'll be our little secret."

So yesterday morning after my first cup of coffee, I opened-up the jar of marshmallow creme and added some of it to our grape salad. And it was totally delicious!

Now it is Make Me Laugh Time!

What’s the best way to fix a broken pumpkin?  Use a pumpkin patch.

Why did the cranberry blush?   It saw the turkey dressing.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who? Norma Lee I don't eat this much.

If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on? Scholar ships.

What’s a pilgrim’s favorite dance?  The turkey trot.

What do you call rain on Turkey Day?  Fowl weather.

What's something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving? A family member giving you the bird.

What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?  Yammies.

What do you call a sad cranberry?  A blue berry.

What did the turkey say to the computer? Google, google, google!

Wait a second. Tony has just asked me to please stop telling y'all Thanksgiving jokes and he knows that I can’t quit cold turkey!

Well, folks, I hope that everyone enjoyed a Happy Thanksgiving too and I do want to thank everyone at the Texas Hill Country Resort for a wonderful Thanksgiving Day dinner that will never be forgotten. 

And I especially want to apologize to those who ate Sandy's Grape Salad Thursday at the dinner, because mine is so much better with marshmallow creme.

Y'all take care and keep on laughing!

Wife's Eulogy!

 Greetings everyone! My good friend Lyle just sent me this and Tony and I are still laughing. So, if you need or want to laugh read this.

Episode: 35 Mr. Toes Goes To San Antonio!

If you would like to listen to this podcast rather than have to read it please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar. 👉

In this hilarious episode my guest is Eileen, one of the best storytellers and one of Tony's and my favorite people.

The laughter starts immediately when Eileen begins telling the story about her husband's cat, Mr. Toes, that they had entered into their first cat show, in San Antonio. Tony was laughing so hard he had to leave the room.

And when he returned to listen to the show Eileen and I were laughing about Eileen's hilarious story about her sister Dean's barrel racing experience on a racehorse named Hummer. So once again, Tony had to leave The Last Resort Recording Studio aka Cousin Nancy's kitchen, because he could not quit laughing.

Then a few minutes later when Tony had calmed down and returned again, Eileen had me laughing about her story about this monkey riding a pony.  So Tony immediately turned around, waved goodbye and left the "recording studio," because his back was aching from laughing so much.

And this was not the end of the laugh-a-thon, because Cousin Nancy gives a Cousin Boomer Update followed by Eileen and her trading some pretty funny jokes. And this part is transcribed and has pictures.

Okay. Here’s a Cousin Boomer Update for y’all:

The other day Boomer came over and he was pretty depressed. And he told us that he was so poor he had rubbed cologne, from a magazine, on himself and when I said, “Well you smell good. What are you wearing?”

And Boomer said, “page 17.”

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Now it is My Thought For Today Time!

As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing:  It will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

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Okay now it is Make Me Laugh Time! Thank goodness.

There was this blonde and she won a boat from a contest. Her husband told her she should sell the boat, because there was no water and no fish within fifty miles. 

She told him, “Nope I am going to keep it.” So she parked her boat in the back pasture.

A few days later her sister came over and asked her husband, “Where’s my sister?”

And he told her that she was fishing on her boat— in the field.

So the sister walks over to the back fence and hollers, “Debbie what are you doing?”

And the blonde says what does it look like I’m doing? I’m fishing!”

And her sister says, “Well, that is about the dumbest thing that I have ever heard of. You ought to be ashamed of yourself.”

So the blonde put down her rod and real and hollers back, “If I could swim I would come over there and kick your behind.”

Now Tony told me this joke. 

On a chilly afternoon a woman took her dog to the grocery store with her. Before she went shopping she rolled the windows down to make sure her dog was comfortable and when she got out of her car, she said, “Now stay. Do you hear me? I said stay.”

And a blonde, sitting in the car beside hers, says, “Why don’t you just put it in Park?”

Now, here are a few cat and dog jokes for y’all:

What do you call a cat who loves to bowl? An alley cat.

What do you call a fluffy male cat asleep on a bed? A Himalayan.

What did the alien say to the cat? Take me to your litter.

What do you give a cat with allergies? An anti-hiss-tamine.

What do you get when you cross a chick with an alley cat? A peeping tom.

Why aren’t cats religious? They’re scared of dogma.

And speaking of show dogs here are a few more jokes:

My dog’s not fat. He’s just a little Husky!

The Dalmatian hid from people because he didn’t want to be spotted.

You’re the best dog in the world. I Shih Tzu not.

In this race, the Weiner takes it all.

I worked all day with no break. It was a Mastiff waste of time.

And this concludes this segment of Make Me Laugh Time. 

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Here are pictures of Mr. Toes and Eileen's husband showing off the ribbons and rosette.

I do hope that my podcast has made you laugh at least once, but if it didn’t—who cares! I want to thank y’all for listening. And please remember my favorite quote: Life is short. And so am I.

And I would also like to thank my dear friend Eileen for being on the show and telling us a few of her hilarious stories.

Y’all take care and keep on laughing! Adios y’all!

A Close Call Todayl!

 Today I had a close call, in the electrical department, at the Kerrville Home Depot! But thank goodness Tony rescued me from Frank, who was about to give me a scare. 

Y'all take care and keep on laughing!

Episode: 34 Longmire—Texas Style!

If you would like to listen to this podcast rather than have to read it please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar. 👉 )

This story took place in the spring of 2016.

Tony and I and all of our great Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch volunteers loved the Longmire series on Netflix. In fact, we were all hooked on the show and we could not wait to watch the upcoming Season 5, on Netflix.

Seriously, all of us loved the Longmire show and the fabulous cast so much that we all owned Longmire caps, T-shirts, buttons, mugs, bumper stickers, etc. And also had Craig Johnson’s Longmire books. 

And not to brag I actually had been given two autographed Longmire books—thanks to our dear friends Kris & Jim and Sandy & Jon.

Anyway before I go any further with this story, I must tell you that at that time I had recently received an unexpected inheritance and since the money was sort of burning a hole in my pocket, so to speak, I thought it would be fun to make a Longmire video spoof, so I could make Little Debbie, my precious, one-eyed, rescued, Chihuahua more famous than she already was. 

Big Jim, Little Debbie, Me & Lady Liz

So the first thing I did was hire our dear friend, Gerry Olert, The Greatest Video-grapher in Texas, to help video and edit the Longmire spoof for me. Even though there wasn’t even a script written, yet.

And luckily for me, Gerry cut me a really great deal—$300.00. One-fifty upfront and one-fifty when it was done. And I was more than thrilled about it, because it would be the very first time for me to produce and to be a director of a short film!

So the next thing that I did, after hiring Gerry, was to ask our dear friends aka “The Best Dog Walking Volunteers in Texas,” if they would like to be actors in my short movie. 

Gerry Olert—The Best Video-grapher in Texas

Bottom Line: They all wanted to be in the video spoof and they immediately started picking which Longmire character that they wanted to play. And luckily for me—my dear friends Eileen and Lisa then volunteered to help me write the script. Which to say the least was pretty important in the making of Longmire—Texas Style!

Anyway, a few weeks later the first scenes were shot in one day, at the Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch, by Lisa and Tony. And please note that the cast members and I made our own costumes to wear, including wigs, alien-attracting-helmets, a deputy uniform and Little Debbie’s adorable wardrobe including her tiny eye-patch.

Eileen & Me

Little Debbie with Lisa & Me

Chet O'Keefe

Lady Liz with Bob the alien

Chet O'Keefe, me and Gerry Olert after filming

The Longmire cast & Longmire Posse's Facebook Comments about our spoof

Everyone knew there lines, but when it came time for us to actually start shooting the scenes—I basically forgot the script and ended up ad-libbing almost all of my lines which then caused the cast to have to ad-lib their lines, too. And those scenes turned out to be hilarious and none of us could believe how well it had turned out so far.

So the cast members were so excited about the video that they could not wait to finish it and they wanted to do it as soon as possible. But being the producer and the director I had to make a decision and tell them that we had to wait for a few weeks to shoot the final scenes of the spoof with our dear musician friend Chet O’Keefe, at our dear friends Jim & Liz Cravotta’s authentic1880s saloon.

So needless to say, the volunteers were disappointed with my decision to delay the final shooting of Longmire—Texas Style for a few weeks. But after all was said and done it was worth it.

Finally, a few weeks later Chet did return to the rescue ranch. And a few mornings later we all met up, at Big Jim’s & Lady Liz’s Grey Goose Saloon, for Gerry Olert to finish shooting the final scenes of Longmire—Texas Style video spoof.

And after we wrapped it up— Gerry did his awesome editing and I uploaded the short movie to my Cousin Nancy Channel on YouTube. And the rest is now history.

If you would like to watch Longmire—Texas Style please click on it and to watch the short video Longmire—Texas Style Behind The Scenes, that I made using Tony’s fabulous behind the scenes pictures that he took during the filming of the spoof please click on it, too. 

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Okay. Now here’s a Cousin Boomer Update for y’all:

Boomer came over yesterday and his left leg and arm were in casts and he was all bruised-up and he was mad. Tony asked him what had happened to him and Boomer told us that he had bought a can of fly spray that was on sale at the grocery store. Then he went home and sprayed it all over himself and then he climbed up on the roof and jumped off—and he did not fly. And after the doctor had patched him up he went back to the grocery store to get a refund, but they wouldn’t let him return it, because it had been on sale.

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Now it is My Thought For Today Time And I Have Two to Tell you:

Imagine if you will…An atheist is stuck at a green light, behind a car with a “Honk If You Love Jesus” bumper sticker.  

And, Imagine if you will…A world where dogs take bad owners to the Pound.

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Okay now it is Make Me Laugh Time!

 

A man walks into an elevator and there is a beautiful blonde inside the elevator and after the door closes, she looks over at the man and says, “T.G.I.F.” 

So he looks at her and says, “S.H.I.T.’’

They go up a few more floors and she looks at the man and says, “T.G.I.F.” 

So he looks at her and says, “S.H.I.T.”  

When she reaches her floor, she looks at the man again and says,“T.G.I.F means thank goodness it is Friday, duh?” 

So he looks at her, and says, "S.H.I.T means sorry honey it's Thursday, dud?”

If you’re happy and you know it—it’s your meds.

A clown held the door for me today—that was such a nice jester.

People are shocked when they find out that I am not a very good electrician.

Now here are a couple of Tony’s jokes:     

A blonde is trying to sell her car, but the only problem with it was it had over 400,000 miles on it. 

So she was upset, because she couldn’t sell her car, so she went to a bar and she met a woman that was an auto mechanic. And the blonde told her the story about her mileage problem and the lady mechanic said, “I can help you, but it is illegal.”

 

So the next day the mechanic rolled back the miles on the odometer.

A few days passed and the blonde runs into the mechanic, at the bar, and the mechanic asks the blonde, “So, did you sell your car?”

And the blonde said, “No! I’ve decided to keep it, because it only has 40,000 miles on it!”

A brunette went to the doctor and she told him, “Doctor, I hurt all over. Every where I touch myself I feel pain.”

 

So the doctor says, “Show me.” So she touches her elbow and screams with pain and then she touches her knee and she screams with pain, again.

    

So the doctor says, “You’re not really a brunette are you?”

And she replies, “No, I dye my hair. I’m a natural blonde.”

And the doctor says, “Well that explains it then—you’re finger is broken.”

And here is my last joke. A teacher asks a Billy, “If I give you two cats today and then give you four cats tomorrow how many cats do you have?”

Billy says, “Seven cats.”

And the teacher says, “No. Two plus four equals six. You’re wrong.”

And Billy says, “No. You're wrong, because I already have a cat.”

And this concludes this segment of Make Me Laugh Time. 

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Well, folks I do hope that my podcast has made you laugh at least once, but if it didn’t—who cares! I want to thank y’all for listening. And please remember my favorite quote: Life is short.And so am I!Y’all take care and keep on laughing!  Adios y’all!

Episode: 33 The Engagement! or Beavis & Butthead!

If you would like to listen to this podcast rather than have to read it please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar. 👉 

The other night I was watching a re-run of Saturday Night Live: Season 49 Episode 17 with guest host Ryan Gosling and Chris Stapleton. And I don’t believe that I have ever laughed so hard in my life.

Every skit was funnier than the last one, but my two favorite skits in that episode were: The Engagement and the Beavis & Butthead skits.

And what made these two skits even funnier was watching Ryan Gosling, because he had a very difficult time trying to keep a straight face and not burst out laughing, while desperately trying to stay in character.

Anyway, to view these two hilarious skits just click here: The Engagement or the Beavis & Butthead skits. 

In fact, just watch the entire episode, because every skit was funny and Chris Stapleton’s performance was, as always, unbelievably awesome. I love his music.

Okay, now here is a Cousin Boomer Update for y’all: Yesterday Boomer came over for happy hour, but when he arrived he was not all that happy, so Tony asked him what was wrong. And Boomer replied, “Last week I sold my homing pigeon on Ebay—for the 22nd time."

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Now here are My Thoughts For Today folks:  As I've grown older, I’ve realized that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake. And I also know for a fact that the truth is six out of the seven dwarves are not happy.

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Okay now it is Make Me Laugh Time! Thank goodness. Our dear friend Clive sent me these two:

When one door closes another door opens—and other than that it’s a pretty good car.

Sometimes I often wonder what happened to all of those people who asked me for directions.

Our dear friend Fourth sent me these two to tell y’all—One blonde to the other asks,

“Why do the French like to eat huge snails?”— “Because, they don’t like fast food.”

Why do golfers always carry extra pants? In case they get a hole in one.

I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.

Why did the coffee taste like dirt? Because it was ground just a few minutes ago.

What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street? Traffic jam.

Why was six nervous? Because seven eight nine. And this concludes this segment of Make Me Laugh Time. 

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Well folks, I do hope that my podcast has made you laugh at least once, but if it didn’t—who cares! I want to thank y’all for listening. And please remember my favorite quote: Life is short. And so am I! Y’all take care and keep on laughing! Adios!

If It Is Jokes You Want—You Got 'Em!

Tony's and my dear friend Harley David Belew on Hill Country Patriot Radio has invited me to tell some weekly jokes for his listening audience—which is a huge audience and extremely popular in the Kerrville area and the surrounding Hill Country.

Some of these jokes you may have heard before on my podcast, but what the heck—they are still funny and they will still make you laugh out loud. (So mission accomplished.) And each radio segment will be no longer than 2 minutes!

I will continue to podcast and title and number those episodes as I have in the past. But the new difference is if the podcast title simply says: Just Jokes! it will be exactly that—just some of my favorite jokes. And I can pack in a lot of jokes within two minutes.

And I do want to thank, in advance, all of our many friends who help keep me supplied with their favorite jokes. (Clive & Curtis, Fourth, Cindy, Harold, Tony, Andy, Ronnie, Drew, Gerry, Robert, etc.)

I am so excited about doing this with Harley and getting back into radio, so to speak, so please wish me luck with my newest endeavor!

If you would like to listen please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar. 👉 )

Y'all take care and keep on laughing!

P.S. I have already published the first three of the Just Jokes! episodes on my podcast.  And from here on out a new Just Jokes! episode will appear every Saturday. So please mark your calendars.

Thanks For The Memories, Kink!

 Here are several of my favorite pictures of Kinky. And after these photos I added two more short videos of Kinky. 

After hiking with his dear friends: Will Wallace, Dylan Ferrero, Kinky and Ben Welch

Kinky on set with Jimmy LaFave for movie Palo Pinto Gold

Kinky outside on his porch

Kinky holding Stella a rescued dog from hurricane Katrina

Kinky signing a guitar on his pool table

Kinky posing next to my writing cabin at our rescue ranch

Sandy Wolfmueller, Tony and me having a fun lunch with Kinky @ Cracker Barrel

Kinky posing with Mama, my rescued Great Pyrenees

Tony took this picture of Kinky and Sophie, his rescued dog

Kinky taking a walking break with David Beckham, our rescued wild hog that plays soccer.

Tony, Kinky, me and U.S. Representative Lamar Smith @ our rescue ranch

Kinky posing with Little Jewford

Bob, Kinky, me and Jay Pennington outside of the Lodge

Kinky signed his cigar poster to Tony & me

9 years ago Tony took this video of Kinky & me doing a video for an upcoming tribute to our dear friend Ruth Buzzi

Kinky's kind words 

Thanks for the memories, Kink!

One of My Fondest Memories of Kink! or The California Texas Grudge Match!

God bless Kinky Friedman and may he rest in peace. One of my dearest and best friends, Kinky Friedman, passed away this past Wednesday evening, June 26th, and since then I've been sad and thinking about all of the fun times and good times that we shared over the past 38 years of our friendship.

I've written volumes over the years about Kinky, our beloved Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch and our long lasting friendship in books and on my blog, etc. And to say the least he was one of my all time favorite people.

Today I was looking at some of the funny videos that I took of Kinky and us and this video stood out and it made me laugh out loud. And trust me I needed to laugh.

Anyway, to set this video up, on May 31, 2009, Kinky, Tony & Kink's famous Hollywood friend John Mankieiwicz, who was at the ranch visiting Kinky, had decided to have an eight-ball pool tournament.

Kinky and Tony already had their pool-playing-nicknames. Kinky's was "The Hummingbird Man" and Tony's was "The Medina Bulldog." 

So before the pool tournament commenced, just to rattle John's nerves—Kinky and Tony jokingly nicknamed John—"Mr. California Wussie." And John thought his newly given nickname was pretty funny, too. 

But "sadly" for Kink and Tony their plan backfired, because John ended up winning the tournament—big time!

So later that day the five of us were outside, sitting on the porch visiting and Kinky decided, just for the "heck" of it, that I should make a video of Tony and Kinky presenting John with a pool championship trophy! 

So after we had all quit laughing Kinky sent me home to get my camera while he searched around The Lodge for an appropriate trophy for him and Tony to give to John. And the rest is history and it is also funny.

To watch this video please click below:

The California Texas Grudge Match

For Kinky's eyes only: "Hey Kink. Sadly, it looks like you won our long standing bet about who's horn God would honk first and unfortunately it was yours. And Hummingbird Man please know that I already miss you. Love Always, Nancy"

Wild Squirrels Unlimited! or Tony—The Squirrel Whisperer!

This has just happened. A few minutes ago Tony and I looked outside our window and saw that a cute, little squirrel had figured out a way to get inside our caged, bird feeder, so Tony and I went outside so I could film the trapped, small squirrel as Tony released him—and the rest is history. Enjoy!

Y'all take care and keep on laughing!

 

Episode 32: Aliens, Big Foot, UFOs And A Strange Creature!

 If you would like to listen to this podcast rather than read it please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar. 👉 )

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The theme for today’s podcast is going to mainly be jokes about aliens and Big Foot, because I have always been fascinated by them. And it is fun to think about them. 

But before we get to the Make Me Laugh Time here’s a Cousin Boomer Update for y’all:

The other day Cousin Boomer was over here and he told me that he didn't understand cloning and I told him, "That makes two of us.”

And Boomer also told me that he went to a sporting goods store last weekend to buy some camouflage pants, but he couldn’t find any.

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Now it is My Thought For Today Time!

If life gives you melons—you might be dyslexic!

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Okay now it is Make Me Laugh Time!

How do aliens throw a party? They “planet” in advance! 

What’s a light-year? The same as a regular year, but with less calories.

You know Big Foot is some times confused with Sasquatch—Yeti never complains. 

Why are Big Foot’s sinuses so stuffy? He refuses to use a Yeti pot.

What’s the difference between UFOs and an honest politician? It is possible that UFOs do exist.

Legend says that a Big Foot can grow up to 15 feet. But they usually just have two.

What do you call a spaceship with a faulty air conditioning unit? A frying saucer!

How does Bigfoot tell the time? With a sasq-watch.

What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book? He couldn’t put it down!

What did Big Foot say when the Abominable Snowman asked if he was ready to leave the party? “Not Yeti.”

Okay. My dear friend Fourth sent me this joke and I love it even though it isn’t about aliens or Big Foot. And here goes— If a cow doesn’t produce milk. Is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

And speaking of udders this is my reply to Fourth’s joke: “Fourth, what do you get when you cross an alien with a cow? An “udderly” strange creature!”

And this concludes this segment of Make Me Laugh Time. 

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Well, folks I do hope that my podcast today has made you laugh at least once, but if it didn’t—who cares! 

And before I go I do want to thank y’all for listening. And please remember my favorite quote: Life is short And so am I! 

Y’all take care and keep on laughing!