Thursday, May 16, 2024

Episode 31: Age Doesn't Matter!

 If you want to listen to this podcast rather than read it please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar. πŸ‘‰ )

Now I am going to tell you another story about the non-profit Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch that Tony & I and our dear friend Kinky Friedman co-founded in 1997. And we ran our rescue ranch until the three of us decided it was time to retire and shut its doors, in 2018.

This morning I had to clean our trailer because ABC’s affiliate, KSAT, out of San Antonio, was coming out to do a story about Kinky, his cigars, and to also see our rescue ranch. 


So I cleaned our trailer until it looked like Tony and I didn’t live here. Mission was accomplished by ten o’clock.


The cameraman interviewed Kinky early this morning for about an hour over, at the Lodge, and then Kinky and the television cameraman arrived over here about eleven-thirty. 


Tony, our dear friend John, and I were, in the kitchen, drinking coffee and trading funny stories when those two arrived. So Tony went outside to greet Kink and the cameraman.


A few minutes later Tony returned to the trailer and announced, “Kinky just told me that the cameraman is going to shoot him and the dogs first, and then he wants you to come outside to be interviewed and shot, too.”


I was mildly depressed by Tony’s news. Because the trailer had been cleaned up for nothing—and knowing full well that within twenty-four hours or less that it would be obvious to anyone who came inside—would instantly know that Tone and I live here. 


Anyway, twenty minutes later, the three of us went outside. Kinky quickly introduced John, Tony and me to the smiling cameraman. After shaking hands, the friendly cameraman put a wire and microphone on me, and then Kinky and I strolled past the dogs in their pens as the cameraman shot us.


When we reached Jedi’s pen with her two, yellow Lab-mixed pups I went inside their pen to visit with the dogs and then to be interviewed and shot some more.  


The cameraman asked me many questions, and I did pretty good until he asked me, “Do you get many calls from people wanting to bring you their dogs?”


“Yes, I do,” I said, as Kinky and John stood behind the cameraman, watching me with smiling faces. “I get about twenty calls a day from all over the country with people begging or trying to bribe me to take their dogs or cats. Unfortunately, pets have become disposable items to many people. And these people all have excuses why they want to dump their loving pets. It is very depressing.”


“Tell me,” he asked. “What is the most common excuse?”


“The number-one most common excuse that I hear, is from a young woman who is crying and begging me to please take her sweet, eight-year-old dog that she dearly loves, because her new boyfriend doesn’t like her dog—and he is making her get rid of it!”


“What do you tell them?”The cameraman asked.


Looking straight into the camera’s lens, I said, “Euthanize the boyfriend.”


Tony, Kinky, John and the cameraman all started to laugh! “That’s a good one, Nance,” Kinky remarked, as the others smiled and nodded their heads in agreement.


Feeling like I needed to explain myself a little further, I continued: “So I ask these young women,“Where are you going to be two years from now—with a creepy control freak like that? Will he be giving you permission to go outside or telling you when you can talk on the phone? Listen, if he truly loves you, he would never ask you to do something so horrible like that. Please, take my advice and keep your dog—because your dog loves you, and knows what real love is—and your stupid boyfriend doesn’t love you or even have a clue as to what love is all about.”


With that said, the interview lasted a few more minutes, and then I removed the wire and the microphone and handed it back to the cameraman. Then I returned to the trailer to return several phone calls.


This evening when the KSAT news ran the story, that television station had cut out my part about “euthanizing the boyfriend.” And that is the end of that story. Thank goodness.

*******

Okay. Here’s a Cousin Boomer Update for y’all:

The other day Cousin Boomer was over here and he told me that he didn't understand cloning and I told him, "That makes two of us.”

And Boomer also told me that he went to a sporting goods store last weekend to buy some camouflage pants, but he couldn’t find any.

******

Now it is My Thought For Today Time!


And this is itI think that age is something that doesn’t matter—unless you are cheese.

*******

Okay now it is Make Me Laugh Time! Thank goodness.


Where do fish keep their money?—In the river bank.


What do you call two ducks and a cow? Quackers and milk.


Did you hear about the cat who ate a ball of yarn?—She had mittens.


What did the cucumber say to the pickle? You mean a great dill to me.

And lastly, what did one hat say to the other? You stay here. I'll go on ahead.

And this concludes this segment of Make Me Laugh Time. 


*******

Folks I do hope that my podcast has made you laugh at least once, but if it didn’t—who cares!

Thank y’all for listening. And please remember my favorite quote;

Life is short and so am I! 

Y’all take care and keep on laughing!

Oh. Wait a second. Here is one more joke to hopefully make you laugh.

My dear friend Fourth sent me this joke that Milton Berle at 80 years-old told:

“I get sex almost ever night of the week!!!

Almost on Monday

Almost on Tuesday

Almost on Wednesda, etc.”


Adios y’all!

Sunday, April 28, 2024

Episode 30: The Jerk!

Please note that I am dedicating this 6.5 minute podcast to my dear friends Clive & Curtis, in the beautiful Texas Hill Country. And I hope that it makes them and you laugh out loud. And if you want to listen to this podcast please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on the The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar πŸ‘‰


Now I am going to tell you a funny, true story about the non-profit Utopia Animal Rescue Ranch that Tony & I and our dear friend Kinky Friedman co-founded in 1997 and operated until we decided to retire and shut its doors in 2018. 

Back in 2007, on a beautiful spring morning, a church group of about twenty young children, along with a few adults, came out to the rescue ranch to let the kids do community service for us for a couple of hours. But because the children were so young, we decided the safest thing for them to do, was to let them remove the rocks from our huge pigpen. 

The kids instantly fell in love with our rescued pigs. And they were disappointed when their work was completed, and it was time for them to leave our rescue ranch. In fact, one of them even started crying and begged to live at the rescue ranch and I guess live with the pigs.

Anyway while the parents were loading up the children into their vans, trucks and cars, one cute little seven-year-old girl pointed over to our pigpen and screamed, “Look at that pig! What is he doing?”

Everyone looked back toward the pigpen and then gasped at what they saw! The children were laughing and screaming with delight, but the parents were more than mortified!

Apparently after we had left the pigpen, a three-hundred-pound black-and-white-spotted wild hog had wandered up to the pig pen, because of Alice, one of our new sows that was in heat. 

And this wild hog was outside of the pigpen, standing up on his hind legs, leaning on the fence trying to get Alice’s attention! From where we stood, it looked like male wild hog was doing that popular Sixties dance—the “Jerk!"

As Tony took off to run the “lovesick” hog off, I was thinking fast! I told the smiling children, “Oh, he’s just dancing. That’s our neighbor’s dancing hog. He loves to dance.”

With the children inside the vehicles, laughing hysterically at the "dancing" wild hog, the parents quickly thanked me, jumped into their vehicles and quickly sped away! 

That wild hog made several more visits to our pigpen during that week, and he did do a lot of dancing, so to speak. And fortunately for us, Alice didn’t feel like dancing with him and we got her spayed soon after that. But unfortunately for us, that nice church group of kids never returned to the rescue ranch to do volunteer work.

Now it is My Thought For Today Time!


And it is ten simple words to live by—Always forgive your enemies, because it messes with their heads.


Now it is Make Me Laugh Time!


If you have 13 apples in one hand and 10 oranges in the other, what do you have? Big hands.


Now here are a couple of bar jokes for you:


What did the man say when he walked into a bar? Ouch!


The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.


A few days ago I was watching some Johnny Carson Show reruns.


In fact, I watched an hilarious episode where Johnny interviewed the late great Robin Williams.


And to say the least I loved Robin Williams and his humor. He was absolutely brilliant. 


So I am going to try to tell you one of my favorite jokes that he told Carson on that episode.


Robin Williams was wearing a straight face when he looked at Johnny and told him, “I suffer from dyslexia.


As a kid I was the only kid on my block on Halloween that would go—Trick or Trout!


And the neighbors would go—Here comes that Williams boy—Better go get some fish.”


******


Rodney Dangerfield is another great comedian that I loved. And one of my favorite jokes that he told is:


When I was a kid my Dad didn’t like me. He gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.


******


And this concludes this segment of Make Me Laugh Time. 


I do hope that my podcast has made you laugh at least once, but if it didn’t—who cares!

Thank y’all for listening. And please remember my favorite quote;

Life is short and so am I! Take care Curtis & Clive and y’all keep on laughing!

Tuesday, March 26, 2024

Episode 29: People Who Need People!

Please note that I am dedicating this podcast to my dear friend Felix M., in Nevada. And I hope that it makes him and you laugh out loud. And if you want to listen to this podcast please click here on: The Cousin Nancy Show or click on the The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar πŸ‘‰

Speaking about laughter we all know that it is a very powerful medicine. And the great news is: it is free, user friendly, it is a whole lot of fun and it makes us feel good. 

In fact, do you know that just laughing out loud immediately helps to improve our resistance to disease by boosting our immune system, while removing the dangerous stress hormones and inflammation.

Laughing also protects our heart from a heart attack by improving increased blood flow.

And I especially love this benefit of laughing. Researchers have discovered that laughing for just ten to fifteen minutes a day can burn approximately 40 calories—which calculates to losing three to four pounds a year. 

And I love this good news, because if I start laughing approximately four to five hours a day non-stop—I could maybe reach my weight goal within a year. 

Or else I might wind up in a straight-jacket and looking forward to having weekly visits from Tony, family and friends—at the local crazy farm. 

And in Norway scientist have recently proven that people with a strong sense of humor outlived those who don’t laugh as much. 

So the bottom line here is simple: Laughter helps us to live longer.


And this is why from now on I plan to start doing only 10-15 minute podcasts which will include at least one humorous story and a few jokes—just to help make all of us laugh just a little bit more.


Now it is—My Thought For Today Time!


Everyone knows and loves that beautiful song People, made popular and sung by the fabulous Barbra Streisand.


Well, I was thinking about that song the other day while Tony & I were outside, on the porch, making our very first wind chime made out of flattened spoons, forks and knives.


And while Tony was pounding another spoon flat, on our new, little, blue colored anvil, I was thinking, You know “People who need people” are really not the luckiest people in the world, because they obviously have serious co-dependent problems and I think that they should seek out professional help from a head-shrinker—ASAP. 


Now it is—Make Me Laugh Time!


What do you call a sad cup of coffee—depresso.


If a parsley farmer gets sued can they garnish his wages?


Our friend Fourth sent me this one: If a mob of clowns attacks you—go for the juggler.


Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered now—thank goodness.


Look who is all grown up and needs a colonoscopy.


Do you think Noah included termites on the ark?

And this concludes the Make Me Laugh Time! segment of my show.

Now I have a true story to tell you about clowns. 

Back in the early nineties, my late husband Jim and I had a successful embroidery business in Austin, well actually it was in Westlake, Texas which is a small, wealthy community surrounded by Austin.

Anyway, several small businesses, in our little strip center, shared a dumpster. And this sad, manic-depressive clown lived in our dumpster, because he was homeless, but the other reason that he lived there was because he had a part-time job during the day being a clown, in the new ice cream shop, that was located next door to our shop.

You see this professor of physics had retired from the University of Texas and he had opened up this ice cream shop, because he loved ice cream and he had always dreamed of having an ice cream store.

Sadly, this shy retired professor had no clue how to run a business and Jim and I felt sorry for him, so we tried to help him out by drumming up business for him, by telling all of our customers about his great ice cream parlor.

And every afternoon Jim and I would take a break and go next door to buy some ice cream from him and that was a disaster from the git-go. 

Because when we or any customer would walk into his shop he would offer them a free sample of his “Ice Cream Of The Day!” to taste. And it was always the same flavors— vanilla or chocolate. Seriously, he only had those two flavors all of the time.

The saddest part was he would grab a tiny, wooden, 2-inch long spoon and give you a tiny sample taste as he held the “spoon” for you. And that was always awkward to say the least.

But what was really bad was soon after his grand-opening, which wasn’t all that grand, this man soon hired that manic-depressive, clown, that lived in our dumpster, to entertain his customer’s children, “Because we all know that all children love clowns.” 

Anyway, that was a really poor business decision, because this hired clown scared the kids and the children would always flee his ice cream shop screaming and then run inside our shop to hide from the clown and to also be consoled by our three dogs—a Great Pyrenees named Bear, a Boston Terrier named Yoda and a Sheltie named Chili.

Anyway, this sad, retired professor would complain to us daily that he might have to close his shop down soon, because he had so little business. 

And he also told us his hired clown was eating up all of his profits and the clown had gained so much weight from eating all of his inventory— vanilla and chocolate ice cream—his clown outfit no longer fit him and this clown had also lost one of his big red shoes, inside the dumpster and he had demanded that the owner replace it for him, because clown shoes are very, very expensive.

And the ice cream shop owner told us that he would replace the clown’s shoe, but he had no idea where to buy gigantic, red, rubber shoes.

Bottom Line: Unfortunately within just a few days, the professor had fired that manic-depressive clown, who had been removed from the dumpster, by police and escorted out of Westlake, just one block away from our shop, to the smaller town of Rollingwood, Texas, another wealthy community surrounded by Austin. 

And you maybe asking about what ever happened to that retired UT professor/ice cream czar—and the answer is that no one really ever knew for sure, because sometime during the night he locked his shop up and never returned. Leaving only his keys and a large box of wrapped, 2-inch, wooden spoons, on his countertop. End of story.

Now folks that is about it for this podcast. But before I leave I want you to listen to the first wind chime that Tony and I have ever made.

I do hope that my podcast has made you laugh at least once, but if it didn’t—who cares!

Thank y’all for listening. And please remember my favorite quote;

Life is short and so am I! Take care Felix and y'all keep on laughing!

Monday, February 26, 2024

Episode 28: On Jupiter And Mars!

I transcribed Podcast 28: On Jupiter And Mars in case you would rather read it than listen to my voice. But if you would prefer to listen to me please click here  The Cousin Nancy Show or click on the side barπŸ‘‰ 

Many years ago, I was surfing the channels and I decided to watch the Science channel. I've never watched the Science channel, because I nearly flunked science, in high school. Anyway, I ended up watching two episodes of NASA's Unexplained Files."

"The first show that I watched was titled “Did We Nuke Jupiter?” and it was an investigation about the possibility of NASA intentionally crashing a newly, retired, nuclear spacecraft, from the Apollo program, on Jupiter.” And to say the least it was really interesting.


So I decided to watch another episode of NASA's Unexplained Files.


That episode was about NASA having put Opportunity, one of their most sophisticated land rovers, on Mars, to roam around and take pictures of the planet, so NASA could learn more about Mars


So Opportunity, this unmanned rover vehicle ended up taking several pictures of something that it found on the ground, and it looked just like a half-eaten jelly donut and none of NASA's brilliant scientists could explain how this half-eaten jelly donut got there.


"Seriously, I saw the pictures taken of the half-eaten pastry and it definitely looked just like a half-eaten jelly donut and the jelly was red in color.


So, I am thinking that this red jelly donut was left there by a Martian that has a very good sense of humor.


And it makes me wonder just how long that half-eaten jelly donut has been on Mars waiting to be discovered, because that nasty stuff that they put inside those jelly donuts may take years and years to digest or it might not ever disintegrate.


Anyway, every time that I told someone about this half-eaten jelly donut on Mars I could see my friends trying not to laugh about it, including myself. But please note that all major news organizations around the world were covering this strange story, too. And it was also reported that William Shatner even wanted to know how it got there.


Anyway, today while I was surfing the Internet about that jelly donut found on Mars I discovered that on February 14, 2014 Nasa finally solved the mystery of that jelly donut. And it turns out that it was just a piece of a Mars rock that was broken off when the rover ran over it.


And you can check the story out here. And you can also see pictures of it here.


****

Okay, now it is Make Me Laugh Time—With A Little Help From My Friends!


Our dear friends Clive & Curtis sent me this one:

I just bought a pet termite. And I named it Clint Eats-Wood.


Our dear friend Fourth sent me this one:

A woman brought a very limp duck to a veterinary surgeon. As she

laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope to

exam the duck.


After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm

sorry, your duck, Kathy, has passed away."


The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"


"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..


"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any

testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."


The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned

a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's

owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his

front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to

bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.


The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few

minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and

also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back

on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the

room.


The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this

is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."


The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a

bill, which he handed to the woman.


The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried,

"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"


The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it,

the bill would have only been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat

Scan, it's now $150.00. 


Our dear friend Lyle, from Iowa, sent me this one:

Two blondes run into a building. And you would think that one of them would have seen it.


And lastly here are a couple of good ones that I found on the Internet:

This chicken and this egg were laying in bed together and the chicken reached over and lit up a cigarette and the egg said, “Well, I guess that answers that age old question.”


What do you call birds that stick together—Vel-Crows!


I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. So I’m worried that my next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

And this concludes this segment of Make Me Laugh Time. And I do want to thank my dear friends for sending me their funny jokes to help me make you laugh.

****

Our dear friend Gerry Olert, the best videographer in Texas, sent me this great video yesterday that he recently filmed, at Triple H Equitherapy—Where Horsepower Heals and it was so beautiful—it touched my heart and made me tear up. 


The title of this short, three minute video is a Magic Moment With Tad Leggett. And please click here to watch it.

 

And to find out more about this wonderful non-profit organization, in Pipe Creek, Texas, please click here on triple-h-org.


And that is about it for today. And like I always like to say near the end of my podcasts, “I hope that the jokes today made you laugh at least once and if not—who cares!”


Thank y’all for listening and please always remember my favorite quote, “Life is short and so am I!”


Y'all take care and keep on laughing!

Sunday, February 11, 2024

Episode 27: Life Is Good And Even Better When It Is Funny!

In this hilarious episode I interview a couple of my favorite people—sisters: Eileen and Dean. I love these two women, because they are extremely funny sisters and their way of telling a story is like no other, because they will have you laughing from the git-go.

So grab your favorite beverage and sit back and enjoy listening to my funniest friends tell their humorous stories about a monkey and a horse named Silver, the Hell's Angels on an airplane, ghosts, a moonshiner, John Wayne's birthday celebration at the Wooden Nickel in Crested Butte, Colorado and Willie Nelson, etc.

I did not transcribe this episode, so if you would like to listen to this podcast please click on The Cousin Nancy Show or click on the right side bar The Cousin Nancy ShowπŸ‘‰.

Our dear friend Gerry Olert took these two pictures of us standing outside, in front of my mural. Dean is on the left and Eileen is on the right and I am the short one.



And Gerry also took this one of us right after we finished doing the podcast. 
Left to right: Lisa, Eileen, me and Dean.


Y'all have a great evening and keep on laughing!

Saturday, February 10, 2024

Twins? or Is It Memorex?

 Today I was looking at some old photos and I burst out laughing when I saw these two photos of us accidentally dressed alike, which we still accidentally find ourselves doing. 

It never really bothered me when this would happen, but Tony would more or less—be totally horrified especially if some one commented on it—like at the grocery store or at the the Medina Cider Mill, or Wolfmueller's Books. For example: This picture of us was taken at the Cider Mill, 2017 after we enjoyed lunch with our fabulous dog-walking volunteers.

And this" twins photo" (except for our caps) was taken of us, at Sandy & Jon's famous Wolfmueller's Books store, in 2018. And please notice Tony isn't smiling in either photo, because that is how he looks when he is horrified or embarrassed.


Anyway, tomorrow when I do the super-fun podcast with Eileen & Dean I am going to try to trick Tony and dress alike again and get Gerry to take a picture of us as long as he doesn't make me look fat. 

Now that I've gone down memory lane with y'all I have to ask,  "Are Tony and I twins or is it Memorex? Or is it just old age."

Y'all take care and keep on laughing!

Friday, February 9, 2024

A Wise Doctor Once Wrote!

Today has been great. This past few days Tony and I have been cleaning house, because this Sunday afternoon, our good friends Eileen, Dean, Lisa and Gerry Olert are coming over for my podcast that I will be doing with Eileen and her sister Dean. And to say the least, "I can't wait to do this podcast with two of the funniest women that I know.

Because when our friends come over I do not want our cabin to look like Tony and I live here. So, I started deep-cleaning our little house and it sort of got out of control for me. While Tony did what he could to help me clean, it was a slow go for him, because of his two crutches getting in his way.

Anyway, besides cleaning the bathroom, the floors, kitchen, bedrooms, etc. I decided that I needed to spruce things up a little bit, so I totally repainted our countertops and black & white checkerboard floor, by the front door, and I must admit that I love the results. And to celebrate our really clean house I put a new quote on the chalkboard, that our friends Jim & Liz Cravotta made for us.  


And please note the stack of four, pretty, custom-hand-made potholders that Jean recently made for me.

And that is about it for today. Y'all have a great evening and keep on laughing!