White Out!

First off, I want to thank everyone for giving me the best birthday I have ever had—even though I know that I peaked long ago, at the ripe old age of thirty nine years!

On my fortieth birthday, back in 1991, my whole world changed drastically for me overnight. I remember it well, unfortunately. The first thing I did that morning, after falling out of the bed, I went to the bathroom and stared into the mirror and didn’t recognize the person staring back at me! It was like I had seen a ghost—Casper the Friendly Ghost—to be exact!

My long brown hair was now white, my eyebrows were a lighter shade of pale, and my chest had taken on a new direction—straight down!

After whining about it to my husband, he quickly reminded me to count my blessings. I counted all eight of them, and then started crying as he drove me to the Texas Department of Transportation to renew my driver’s license. Now that, was fun.

The officer asked me a few questions and then she said, “Happy Birthday Ms. Parker. Do you want me to remove the motorcycle classification to drive one or do you want to keep that license, too?”

“Yes,” I answered. “I’ve had that motorcycle license since I was eighteen. I want to keep it. Who knows maybe I will get a Harley for my birthday.”

She sorta smirked and then asked me to step up and take the eye test. I did as I was told and I flunked it. I couldn’t see the last line that she was asking me to repeat back to her!

“You flunked,” She said. “Next.”

“Wait,” I said. I opened my purse and pulled out my dreaded, drugstore glasses and put them on. “I want another try, please.”

She let me take it and I passed that time—it cheered me up until she informs me that their would be a new restriction added to my license—I had to always wear glasses when driving. Ah, more good news.

Then it was time for my photo-shoot. That officer shot me all right, and after paying her for shooting me, I left the building feeling even more depressed.

Then to top it all off, as we were driving to work, I hear our good friend, Sammy Allred, who had and still has the most popular, morning talk show, in Austin, announce to the world, on KVET 98.1, “Today is Cousin Nancy’s fortieth birthday and I want to wish her a happy birthday! Happy Birthday, Cousin Nancy!”

After hearing that and knowing that the whole world knew, I cried so hard that my tears nearly drowned me.

Five weeks later, my new driver’s license finally arrived in the mail. And yes, after viewing my picture, I realized—Steve Martin and I could definitely pass as being identical twins.

That was sixteen candles ago, and I have changed. I now look like a white column and am a pillar somewhere. Anyway, I just want everyone to know that y’all made my birthday the most special birthday that I have ever had! Thank you!