Horsepower!

Well, I have just finished doing my 15th podcast for The Cousin Nancy Show and I've titled it Horsepower! Here is a transcript of it(after my introduction) in case you would rather read it than listen to me. I do hope that you enjoy listening to it and I do hope that it makes you laugh at least once.

Please Note: Please click here to listen to it or click on The Cousin Nancy Show on the right side bar. A few weeks ago Cousin Boomer called me and he was all upset about something as usual. So I invited him to come over to drink a beer with Tony and me—in hopes of helping to calm him down. 

First off before I go any further with this Boomer update you need to know that Boomer is Polish. I'm not Polish—but Boomer is. 

Anyway, he is very sensitive about Polish jokes, because as a young kid Cousin Boomer was constantly being teased and kidded about being Polish.

So, when Boomer arrived at Big Foot Ranch he was so mad—he was spittin' nails, so to speak and he didn't want to talk about what had happened—until he had popped the top on his second, cold beer. 

This is basically what Boomer told us.

"Today for lunch I ordered a Polish sausage from this guy," and he says, "Oh, you must be Polish."

"His assumption really pushed my button," Boomer says. "So, I decided to try to enlighten this know-it-all jerk, to let him know that his Polish comment was not appreciated."

"So I asked him, "You think because I ordered a Polish sausage—I'm Polish?"

"Seriously, what if somebody came in here and ordered an English muffin? Would you think he was British?"

"This guy just stood there, staring at me and he said nothing."

Then I tell him, "What if somebody came in here and ordered Swedish meatballs? Would you automatically think he was a Swede?"

"What if someone came in here and ordered Italian meatballs? Would that make him Italian?"

"I was really on a roll and was really letting him have it, and I said, "Seriously man, what if someone came in here and ordered Canadian Bacon? Would that make him a Canadian?"

"And by now I think this guy was finally getting my point."

So, I said, "So what if I ordered a Polish sausage. Why would that make you think that I am Polish.

And this guy cracks a little smile, and says, "Well first off—Welcome to Home Depot. Can I help you find something?"

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Now this is a true story about a man and his Corvette and his name was George.

In March of 1962, I was 10 years old and living in Fort Worth, Texas. And our next door neighbors were George & Wilma.

They had two girls that were about the same age as Ronnie and me, so my brother and I used to play with them and our other neighborhood friend, Billy.

We always had fun. We would climb trees together, walk fence rails, play touch football, baseball, have croquet tournaments, ride our bicycles around the neighborhood, etc. And we did this after school, on weekends and during the summer months.

Anyway, one day while we were outside playing, in George & Wilma's back yard, Wilma came running outside and hollered, over the fence, to Mom & Dad, who were sitting out on the patio, drinking a beer, "George just won a Corvette convertible! Can you believe it! George won a Vette!…" 

Wilma was so excited over their good news it made all of us just as excited as she was, even though I had absolutely no clue as to what in the world she was talking about.

Anyway, after Wilma had calmed herself down a little bit, she explained to my parents that George, whom my parents thought was a wimpy nerd, had won this Corvette in a drawing held at the grand opening of the Seminary South Shopping Center—Fort Worth's first mall.

Wilma told my parents that George was on his way home, so she could drive him to the Seminary South Shopping Center, to pick up his fancy, new sports car. And in all of her excitement she invited Billy, Ronnie and me to go with them, in their family station wagon.

A few minutes later, as soon as George had pulled into their driveway, we quickly piled into the station wagon and took off. Their girls rode in the backseat and Billy, Ronnie and I had to ride in the back cargo area.

And I would say that this was probably about the time this Corvette story peaked for poor, old George.

Because George quickly found out that, "Yes," he had won a Corvette, but it was not actually a car—it was a miniature version of a red Corvette, convertible made for kids to drive and the weight limit for it was 100 pounds. 

Needless to say George was more than disappointed, not because he weighed over 200 lbs. and would never be able to drive his own Vette.

He was upset, because he knew that he would still be driving their old, station wagon back to work everyday, instead of America's favorite sports car.

But us kids were all excited and thrilled, because none of us weighted over 100 pounds! And we could not wait to take George's Corvette out for a spin.

Anyway, after two nice men from a local radio station had helped George load his Corvette, into the back of their station wagon—we drove home in silence. And to say the least, "Billy, Ronnie and I were a little bit cramped, but we never complained."

When we arrived back at George & Wilma's house all of the nearby neighbors had gathered, in their front yard, to celebrate George's good fortune and to see his new, shiny red, Corvette convertible. 

And the neighbors' faces had all turned into frowns, by the time they had helped George drag his sports car, out of the back of the family's station wagon.

A few days later on a Saturday, George filled up his Corvette's gas tank and let all of us take turns getting to drive it around the elementary school's parking lot. 

So to end this story on a positive note I guess it would be safe for me to say that I have driven a Corvette, even though it really wasn't a car.

And I bet that a few years later, after George and his family had moved away from our neighborhood, he would brag to his new neighbors that he had once owned a shiny, new, 1962 red, Corvette convertible.

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Now it is time for a couple of Corvette jokes. So here goes:

I saw my boss pull up in a brand new Corvette. I said, "Wow that's a really nice car, boss!" He told me "thanks, and just remember you keep working hard every day and I'll be able to buy a second one!"

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Now here's a Corvette question. What do you call a Corvette following a Camaro at high speeds?

Chevy Chase.

Folks, thank y'all for listening and I do hope that my podcast made you laugh at least once. And please always remember my favorite quote: "Life is short and so am I!"

Take care and keep on laughing!